Notes Tone Unturned
formerly Asia/Pacific Computer Services, closed down at the end of 2013).
This is now the PERSONAL website of Tony Austin, not a business site.
Do not contact me offering to provide business-related services, such as
Web Design and SEO, marketing campaigns, or any other such proposal.
If you do, you will be billed for wasting my valuable time!
NOTE: These pages are no longer being actively updated.
 
Our Cornucopia of Humor (Humour), Comedy, Jokes, Corn, Diversions, Amusements,
Murphy's Law, Job and Profession Humor, Haiku, The Bizarre, Computer Jokes,
Love/Wedding/Marriage Humor and lots more!

Our information-crammed links ... Tips, Tools, Techniques, Services, Resources for Operators, Designers, Developers, Contractors, Consultants, Managers, Marketeers - and general users
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My weblogs ...
Notes Tone Unturned ~ Basic Questions ~ NotesTracker news
~ Leave Good Enough Alone


Humor is mankind's greatest blessing
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

  --  Mark Twain

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Will it ever end? and Why did laughter evolve? and Some Articles about Humour
Humor Reference Guide - A Comprehensive Classification and Analysis
Reverend Howell's Favorite Humor Resources

Corporate Comedy - Jokeses & Hoaxes ... What’s more serious than business? Comedy is!

The Humour Foundation - "Laughter is the best medicine" - Humour for sick children
Why are we laughing?

Study Says You're Not Funny!

TAKE THE MONDAY MORNING TEST

Don't let TIME catch you!
Kill Some Time

The Subservient Chicken - issue commands and the chicken obeys!
Enthusiastic Screen Cleaning Tool
 
THE PICTURE QUIZ

The world's funniest joke? (Laugh Lab)

World's Smallest Website
A tiny browser offers up such things as miniature versions of games like Pong, Pac-Man, Asteroids, Breakout, plus miniature art, links, a mini-blog and more.

The Dullest Blog in the World - it's like watching grass grow!

About Nothing and Something - "Something is better than nothing." Or is it?

SOME TACKY TACTILE STUFF...
Taking your life in your hands - Keyboards spread disease

49 uses for an illuminated keyboard
This Keyboard has been scared shiftless
The Corsair - Ergonomic keyboard for pirates
The Keybeard - Wearable computer componentry - and the Mousetache

The Death Clock - When Am I Going To Die?
The Internet's friendly reminder that life is slipping away .. second by second. Like the hourglass of the Net, the Death Clock will remind you just how short life is. Just enter your daye of birth, sex, non-smoking or smoking status and your Body Mass Index (BMI) and the Death Clock will give an indication of your likely date of departure!

The Gettysburg PowerPoint Presentation
A presentation, with speaker notes, by Abraham Lincoln (18 November, 1863)

Now let's visit Scotland for a wee chuckle...

A lively young damsel named Menzies
Inquired: "Do you know what this thenzies?"
Her aunt, with a gasp,
Replied: "It's a wasp,
And you're holding the end where the stenzies."

Click and follow the link to hear the correct pronunciation of this verse!
See also: What has the "yogh" got to do with Menzies?

Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? (hold mouse over it to find out)

 Tired of playing Solitaire? Then try this watery diversion
or be artistic... Paint just like Jackson Pollock


Panic Button - Your boss is coming ...
So click one of the following three links, and look busy.
Fill your screen with a dummy: letter, budget or memo


Other similar evasive maneuvers ...
Hocus Pocus, Hide Your Applications, Anti Boss Style
BrineSoft's freeware Mr Hyde
Hide running programs on Windows with OuttaSight

Alternatively, download and install this
Fake Progress Bar

 

Heavenly endorsement for Microsoft
Starting the first week of April Catholics will only be able to speak to God using the .NET Messenger Service from Microsoft. ...
"God was really impressed by Microsoft's .NET framework," said the Pope.

SCOOP: Windows XP Service Pack 3 - details revealed

The Matrix - movie special effects using only ASCII characters




Axioms For The Internet Age

 1. Home is where you hang your @
 2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
 5. Great groups from little icons grow.
 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like home.com!
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.>


Terror Alert Level
Bert's Current Terror Alert Level

          Aphorisms for a new age
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is not match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. I10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to identify a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. t>


  • Online Generators - of just about everything! - acronyms, slogans, anagrams, lyrics, apartment names, apathetic blog entries, apologies, brand names, blog names, Braille, bridge hands, cat names, Chinese restaurant names, church signs, comics, complaints, corporate gibberish and press releases, cosmic truths, crosswords, Cupid's "Dear John" letters, cyborg names, "Dear Santa" letters, dice, dynamic comics, dislexicons, domain names, dungeons, dysfunctional family letters, eBay feedback, Egyptian name translator, e-mail icons, error messages, evil clowns, Excuse-O-Mat, extreme sports, family stories, famous stars, fancy letters, fantasy names, Flip A Coin, 'fridge messages, gangster (gansta) names, Goth lyrics, Goth quotes, graffiti, haiku, heart maker (valentines), supoer heros, historic tales, Hobbit names, ideas, Indian names, infinite teen slang, Japanese names, Jedi training, jihad names, job titles, labels, Lego minifig, letters, car license plates, line patterns, Lorem Ipsum (random dummy text in Latin), snowflake shapes, Mr Men, mazes, Merovingian names, META tags, metal gear, military codenames, media company names, Mondrian machines, Moon types, Morse code, music critiques, neon signs, Nostradamus quatrains, Patrick Place signs, pagan names, papal names, passwords, patterns, phone number spellings, Picasso paintings, pimp names, pirate names, pirate jokes, pirate speak, poems, Pokemon names, Pop/Rock/Rap/Country Star names, porno names, postmodern essays, prime numbers, privacy policies, proverbs, prompts, random aliases, random anarchy info, random bar jokes, random cognitive neuroscience paper titles, random loglines, random masturbation synonyms, random plots, random Talmud quotations, random theory, ribbons, road signs, Scrabble scores, scribbler, Seventh Sanctum, Shakespearean insults, silly names, silly tasting notes, slashdot high-tech humor, song titles, South Park characters, spam, spam names, super heroes, surrealist compliments, Tarot spread, terror warnings, ultimate personality tests, imaginary kingdom timelines, tree proof algorithms, vampire names, walking insects, wanted posters, web site (random web page designs), word constructor, word gizmo, worksheet (teaching tool), Wu names, Zen stories.

RSS feeds delivered like none other! The rsstroom  reader- personal news delivery system ...Keep up to date, right in your rest room, with this unique device that prints RSS news feeds on your toilet paper! Featuring wireless connectivity, unlimited feed subscriptions, RSS 2.0 plus Atom compatibility, browser-based control panel, and biometric user identification. ... A dual purpose product, of course!

ADVANCES IN TECHNOLOGY?

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.000 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  • For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

  • Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

  • Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

  • The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

  • The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

  • Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

  • Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

  • You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Webmaster’s comment: To be fair (some of you probably don't want to be), remember that some PC characteristics such as the infamous "three finger salute" ( Ctrl – Alt – Delete ) are not actually attributable to poor old Microsoft!

THE REAL TRUTH

  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  • A day without sunshine is like ... night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
  • Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you..
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  • Honk if you love peace & quiet.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
  • The 50-50-90 rule: When you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
  • It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
  • You can't have everything, where would you put it?
  • Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
  • The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  • It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Computer messages in Haiku
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules: Each poem has only 17 syllables - 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.

Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

Here are some of those error messages from Japan. Aren't these better than the likes of "Your computer has performed an illegal operation?"
 

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Three things are certain
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Program aborting
Close all that you have worked on
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

I ate your Web page.
Forgive me; it was tasty
And tart on my tongue.


The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following  were some of the winning entries:
1.  Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
2.  Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
3.  Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
4.  Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
5.  Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
6.  Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7.  Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8.  Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.  Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.
10.  Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
11.  Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
12.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
13.  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
14.  Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
15.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
16.  Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around by the mayor.
17.  Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
18.  Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
19.  Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Who's on First?
ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO:.Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. just tell me what I need!
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

Australian Tourism Q&A
 

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website and the answers came from an Aussie:
------
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
------
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
------
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only about four thousand kilometres, take lots of water...
------
Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
------
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
------
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
------
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
------
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
------
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
------
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
------
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
------
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
------
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
------
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
------
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
------
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
------
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
------
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
------
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

"An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode the donkey and the old man walked. As they approached town, they passed some people who remarked that it was a pity that the old man walked while the young boy rode. The man and the boy thought that perhaps the critics were right, and they exchanged positions.

Sometime later, they passed another group of people who remarked "What a shame! He makes that little boy walk." So they decided to both walk.

The next group of passersby chuckled that they would walk when they had such a nice donkey to ride. So they both climbed on board.

They soon encountered a group who scorned them for their laziness and cruelty to the donkey. They agreed once more, and decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge into town, they lost their grip on the donkey and he fell into the river and drowned .

The moral of this story - If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!"

PULL YOUR HAIR OUT ...

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
    ===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
    ===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
    ===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!
    ===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
    ===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
    ===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
    ===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
    ===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
    ===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
    ===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
    ===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
    ===============
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
   ===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
    ===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them)
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
  3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
  6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
  12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
  13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,and still think they are sexy.
  15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
  20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
  21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  26. Where there's a will, there are relatives

More at Paraprosdokian Fun


INKLISH SIGNS IN VARIOUS NON INKLISH COUNTRIES

 
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop -- Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
 

The classic comic strip...
(Click to view a larger image)
THE SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT PROJECT -- How the customer wanted it, and what he got instead

 

People born before 1946 were called
The Silent generation
..

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called

The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called

Generation X
.
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called
Generation Y.


Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?


But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

Generation Y (exposition)
 


Butch the Rooster 

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept careful records. Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took up lots of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but next morning she noticed that old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
 
( Pass this on, otherwise you're chicken -- No yolk! )