Notes Tone Unturned
formerly Asia/Pacific Computer Services, closed down at the end of
2013). This is now the PERSONAL website of Tony Austin,
not a business site.
Do not contact me offering to provide business-related services, such
Web Design and SEO, marketing campaigns, or any other such proposal. If you do, you will be billed for wasting my valuable time!
NOTE: These pages are no longer being
The Death Clock - When Am
I Going To Die? The Internet's friendly reminder that life is
slipping away .. second by second. Like the hourglass of the Net, the
Death Clock will remind you just how short life is. Just enter your
daye of birth, sex, non-smoking or smoking status and your Body Mass Index
(BMI) and the Death Clock will give an indication of your likely date of
2022 update: Old software and may not work ...
for Microsoft Starting the first week of April Catholics will
only be able to speak to God using the .NET Messenger Service from Microsoft.
... "God was really impressed by Microsoft's .NET framework," said the Pope.
1. Home is where you hang
your @ 2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly
than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins
with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse
old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. C:\ is
the root of all directories. 8. Don't put all your
hypes in one home page. 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper
foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks
spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives. 14. Don't byte off more than you
can view. 15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 16. What boots
up must come down. 17. Windows will never cease. 18. In
Gates we trust. 19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things. 21. A user and his leisure
time are soon parted. 22. There's no place like home.com!
23. Know what to expect before you connect. 24. Oh, what
a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice. 25. Speed
thrills. 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.>
("dramatic" cartons with texts that read the same backward or forward)
Web tourists nuts about Almond Land - "Brian Bay", "Almond Land",
"Drunk Island" and "Cans" are among the most popular holiday destinations
for Aussie travellers, according to an accommodation website. (Wotif.com's
chief operating officer Robbie Cooke said a new search tool was providing
insight into the weird and wacky misspellings for some of Australia's most popular destinations.)
Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?
xkcd - A web comic of Romance, Sarcasm, Math, and Language
Steve Martin's hilarious magic tricks as The Great Flydini on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show (1992)
First came the Euro currency, now there are plans
for the Euro-English language
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan
that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft
"c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants
jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be
replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where
more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent
"e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such
as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer,
ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun
vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a
united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
If you use LinkedIn you'll certainly agree with this!
(click to view larger image)
As he waits in line at the Pearly Gates, he notices the
man in front of him is dressed in flip flops, cargo
shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, hair slicked back, and
mirror sunglasses perched on his nose.
As they reach the front of the line, St. Peter asks the
sunglass wearing guy, "So, what's your name and what did
you do in life that would warrant you entering Heaven?"
The man answered, "Jock Simpson, pilot with Aloha
Airlines out of Hilo, Hawaii!"
St. Peter exclaims, "Take this silk robe and golden
staff, and go right in!"
As the priest approaches St. Peter, he is asked the same
"Father Patrick Flanagan, Pastor at Our Lady of Grace,
Pasadena, California for 42 years."
Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and go right in!"
commands the saint.
"Wait!" cries the priest. "I gave my whole life to the
service of God and all I get is a cheap robe and staff?"
"Look, Padre," explained the saint. "Here we reward on
merit. When you preached, people slept. When he flew,
A guy said to God: “God, is it true that to you a billion years is
like a second?” God said yes. The guy said: “God, is it true that to
you a billion dollars is like a penny?” God said yes. The guy said:
“God, can I have a penny?” God said, “Sure, just a second.”
Reclaim The Pants
the Pants creed: “I believe in a world where no one has to get up off their fat arse,
where empty pontifications are duly admired, where the principle of
all-talk-no-action prevails, and where these truths are held to be self-evident,
so help me God.”
BLIND OR BLONDE? A blind man walks into a bar, taps on
the shoulder of the man next him, and says: "Hey, want to hear a
blonde joke?" The man says back to the blind man: "Look buddy, I'm
blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he's
blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is
also blonde. Still want to tell that blonde joke?" The blind man is
silent for a moment and then says: "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to
explain it five times."
- videos and more ... Time Inc, the largest magazine publisher in the
world, has established this for desk-bound young men more interested
in idly surfing the Internet than doing the work they are paid for!
for the Rough and Ready - 1,001 Logical Laws, Accurate Axioms,
Profound Principles, Trusty Truisms, Homey Homilies, Colorful Corollaries,
Quotable Quotes, And Rambunctious Ruminations For All Walks Of Life
Aphorisms for a new age 1. If you're too
open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very
high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn't
make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes
you a car. 4. Artificial intelligence is not match for natural
stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick
the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework
is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence
supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier
to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action,
there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. I10. If
you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are
from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle
age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going
than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There
is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience
is a wonderful thing. It enables you to identify a mistake
when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends
meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than
thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides
a nice contrast to the real world. t>
The rsstroom reader- personal news delivery system
...Keep up to date, right in your rest room, with this unique device
that prints RSS news feeds on your toilet paper! Featuring wireless
connectivity, unlimited feed subscriptions, RSS 2.0 plus Atom compatibility,
browser-based control panel, and biometric user identification.
... A dual purpose product, of course!
ADVANCES IN TECHNOLOGY?
For all of us who feel only the deepest
love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives,
read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.000 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
In response to Bill's comments, General
Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology
like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
For no reason whatsoever, your
car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the
lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die
on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to
the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the
car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre
such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse
to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Macintosh would make a car that
was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and
twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent
of the roads.
The oil, water temperature, and
alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single
"This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
The airbag system would ask "Are
you sure?" before deploying.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever,
your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
hold of the radio antenna.
Every time a new car was introduced,
car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because
none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the
You'd have to press the "Start"
button to turn the engine off.
To be fair (some of you probably don't want to be), remember that
some PC characteristics such as the infamous "three finger salute"
( Ctrl – Alt – Delete ) are not actually attributable to poor old
THE REAL TRUTH
He who laughs last,
Everyone has a photographic
memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine
is like ... night.
On the other hand, you
have different fingers.
Change is inevitable,
except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down,
the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it
all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the
sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally
parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to
remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used
I wonder how much deeper
the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace
Despite the cost of
living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof
to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand
how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost
The 50-50-90 rule: When
you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's
a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you
line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would
be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything,
where would you put it?
Latest survey shows
that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come
to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got
A fine is a tax for
doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered
that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped
here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing,
and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster
than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered
an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes
and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!
I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once,
at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash. I have other sources of income.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them
using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.
I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service
and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict
construction rules: Each poem has only 17 syllables - 5 syllables
in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.
is used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful,
yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
Here are some of those
error messages from Japan. Aren't these better than the likes of
"Your computer has performed an illegal operation?"
Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Three things are certain Death, taxes and
lost data. Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream, But the water has moved
on. This page is not here.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
aborting Close all that you have worked on You ask far too
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue
Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
A crash reduces Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
Your file was so big. It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is
your ire. The network is down.
Having been erased, The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
I ate your Web page. Forgive me; it was tasty
And tart on my tongue.
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in
which they were asked to supply
alternate meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries: 1. Abdicate (v.),
to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 2.
Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy
smog. 3. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation
while drunk. 4. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
5. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight
you have gained. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes
a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your
nightie. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9.
Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver. 10.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 11.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller. 12. Balderdash
(n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 13. Testicle
(n.), a humorous question on an exam. 14. Semantics
(n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer
book together just before vespers. 15. Rectitude
(n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately
before he examines you. 16. Marionettes (n.), residents
of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around by the mayor.
17. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions. 18. Circumvent (n.), the
opening in the front of boxer shorts. 19. Frisbatarianism
(n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof
and gets stuck there.
ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO:
Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about
buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want
to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy
in here? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO:
I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOT:
Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software. ABBOT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On
the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track
expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOT:
I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOT: Recommend
something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOT: Yes COSTELLO: OK, what did
you recommend for my office? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO:.Yes,
for my office! ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO:
I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say,
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do
I need? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: Word in
Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOT:
The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office
for windows? ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue
W. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't start
with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies
on the Internet? ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe
a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business.
just tell me what I need! ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If its
a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great, with what? ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What
do I do? ABBOT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the
blue one what? ABBOT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different
from the blue W? ABBOT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W
is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office for
Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is? ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many
other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out
there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOT: Real One
has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping
you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO:
I need money to track my money? ABBOT: It comes bundled with
your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? ABBOT:
Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOT: Yes.
No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much? ABBOT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy
money? ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO:
They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOT: Why not, they
These questions about Australia were
posted on an Australian Tourism website and the answers came from
an Aussie: ------ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?
I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die. ------ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the
street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. ------
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only about four thousand kilometres,
take lots of water... ------ Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia?
Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and
Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? ------
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south
of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific
which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. ------ Q: Which
direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then
turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the
rest of the directions. ------ Q: Can I bring cutlery into
Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
------ Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked. ------ Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink. ------ Q: I have developed a new product
that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell
it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans
gather. ------ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right? ------ Q: Can you
tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller
than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
------ Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas. ------ Q: Are there killer bees in Australia?
(Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. ------
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan
hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal. ------ Q: Please send a
list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
(USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come
from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets. ------ Q: I have a question about
a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind
of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear.
They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the
brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off
by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
------ Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact
the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
------ Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
"An old man,
a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode the donkey and
the old man walked. As they approached town, they passed some people
who remarked that it was a pity that the old man walked while the
young boy rode. The man and the boy thought that perhaps the critics
were right, and they exchanged positions.
they passed another group of people who remarked "What a shame!
He makes that little boy walk." So they decided to both walk.
The next group of passersby chuckled that they would walk
when they had such a nice donkey to ride. So they both climbed on
They soon encountered a group who scorned them for
their laziness and cruelty to the donkey. They agreed once more,
and decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge
into town, they lost their grip on the donkey and he fell into the
river and drowned .
The moral of this story - If you try
to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass!"
PULL YOUR HAIR OUT
What kind of computer do you have? Female customer:
A white one... ===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette
out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech
support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted
it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
=============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer'
icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your
left or my left? ===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support:
Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer:
Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm
not Bill Gates, dammit! ===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I
can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
find it... ===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer:
=============== Tech support: What's on your monitor
now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend
bought for me at the 7-11. ===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the
computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10
paces back. Customer: OK Tech support: Did the
keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support:
That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another
one here. Ah...that one does work...
=============== Tech support: Your password is the
small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in
Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not
an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet
Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm
writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what
seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have
the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it? ===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with
a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you
running it under windows? Customer: "No, my desk
is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his printer is working fine."
=============== Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press
the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings
up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your
keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech
support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer:
I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT! ===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed
a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move
the mouse, it disappears. ===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech
support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password
was? Customer: Five stars.
PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them)
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase
is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,and still think
they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed
for the next day. During that time we regret that you will
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter
the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade
hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.
In a hotel
in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian
hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You
are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian
Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery
where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and
writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian
hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors
in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave
you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish
hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your
convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have
a fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order
your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers
in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors
have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna
hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
live together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because
of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used
for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong
dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this
variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist
agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we
guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey
rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop
the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a
Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong
Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop -- Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to
enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your
first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not
to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office
of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally
passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information
booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and
Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room,
please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car
rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in
sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking. - Here speeching American.
People born before
1946 were called The Silent generation.. People born between
1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers. People born between
1965 and 1979 are called Generation X. And
people born between 1980 and 2010 are called
Generation Y. Why do we
call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job? Y should
I leave home and find my own place? Y should
I get a car when I can borrow yours? Y should
I clean my room? Y should
I wash and iron my own clothes? Y should
I buy any food? But a cartoonist explained it
very eloquently below...
Sarah was in the
fertilized egg business. She had several hundred
young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the
She kept careful records. Any rooster
not performing went into the soup pot and was
This took up lots of time, so she
bought some tiny bells and attached them to her
roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she
could tell from a distance which rooster was
performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill
out an efficiency report by just listening to the
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch,
was a very fine specimen, but next morning she
noticed that old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other
roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing,
but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would
run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old
Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and
walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud
of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he
became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old
Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded
him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else
but a politician could figure out how to win two of
the most coveted awards on our planet by being the
best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You
can't always hear the bells.
( Pass this
on, otherwise you're chicken -- No yolk! )
A garage story - A lesson for
all the wives out there
after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his motorcycle
in the garage.
His new wife
was standing there by the bench watching him. After a
long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've
just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's
time you quit spending so much of your time out here in
should also consider selling your Harley and all your
welding equipment along with your gun collection, your fishing
gear, the boat and all those stupid model airplanes,
plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home
Tom got a
horrified look on his face.
"Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my
she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED
Tom replied, "I wasn't."
Advice from An Old Hillbilly
fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Words that soak into your ears are
whispered, not yelled.
The best sermons are
lived, not preached.
Forgive your enemies; its
what GOD says to do.
If you don't take the time
to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice.
Don't corner something that is meaner than you.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old
to fight, he’ll just kill you.
It don’t take a
very big person to carry a grudge.
unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in
Borrowing trouble from the future
doesn't deplete the supply.
Most of the stuff
people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
is sometimes the best answer.
with somethin’ that ain’t botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and
sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker
you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the
mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from
Good judgment comes from experience,
and most of that comes from bad judgment.
the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’
it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a
person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s
Live a good, honorable life. Then
when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a
Live simply. Love generously. Care
deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.